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On Wednesday nights over the past few weeks, we have been discussing personal relationships. Out of all of the topics that we have covered so far, conflict resolution may be the most important. Terrible solutions to conflict resolution pervade the church, the world, and families. The fruit of this is obvious, from divorce rates and church splits to kids “divorcing” their parents, and the list could go on. Our culture is tearing itself apart, and it is no wonder we have such high rates of loneliness! People do not have a clue about how to keep relationships intact biblically.

Now, there are many avenues for solving conflict. In fact, one just needs to Google “conflict resolution” to get a long list of simple things to do to resolve disagreements. We covered many things over the last few Wednesday nights, such as listening before speaking, not looking for a win/win all the time, never using absolutes in an argument, and the list could go on. But at the root of these is an assumption that must come before all other rules, which is a healthy personal skepticism. Proverbs 13:10 says, “Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.” Pride causes contention, which means thinking more highly of yourself than you should. It is a smugness and confidence in our own opinions, feelings, thoughts, and methods of handling conflict. In short, it completely forgets the gospel truth of Romans 3:23: “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God…”

Because every single one of us is sinful at our core, our hearts constantly gravitate toward self-centeredness, pride, arrogance, and self-assurance during conflicts. But instead of taking this truth to heart, our culture has taken up the mantle of victimhood. Everyone else is wrong, and I must be right. But what these verses teach us is that in a conflict, the first place we must look is at our own hearts to ensure we are right with our Savior.

Matthew 7:1-5 puts it this way: “Judge not, that ye be not judged. 2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. 3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? 4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? 5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.” Before we do any work of trying to correct a brother about sin, we must look at the beam that is in our own eyes.

What this practically means is that we need to have a healthy skepticism of ourselves in conflict resolution. Now, skepticism is like salt, which means too much or too little is bad. Having too much skepticism in conflict means you wallow in shame, and too little means you bulldoze relationships with your pride. Interestingly, both are prideful because they are too self-absorbed to notice the other person. What should happen in any conflict is a healthy, biblical self-awareness of our sin and propensity for excuses.

Now, practically, this is rather simple to incorporate into our walk with the Lord. If you find yourself in conflict with another person, before you even think about approaching them about their faults, these three things must take place. First, get alone with God and His Word. I have found that many conflicts resolve simply when I take them to the Lord in prayer and seek wisdom in His Word. Second, evaluate your own feelings, thoughts, and opinions according to Scripture. Ask yourself, “Is there any sin in my life that is driving these feelings in my mind?” Third, go to that person after the first two steps and seek reconciliation in humility. Instead of accusations, bring up frustrations with a heart to listen and change. Frustration itself isn’t sinful, but you must express it with a heart full of love, respect, and a readiness to grow.

Our beliefs about conflict are incomplete without a biblical view of sin. It is only when we have a healthy skepticism in conflicts that we will actually be able to solve them. And this is a huge blessing, for it points us to the cross of Christ. If conflict is about my sin, it is encouraging to know that Jesus already solved that problem on the cross. He offers full forgiveness and complete transformation. And if there is something in my heart that is causing a rift in relationships, that shouldn’t lead us to despair, but to the foot of the cross. Ultimately, that is where we must end in our relationships, for true healing, reconciliation, and grace are only to be found in the answer to the problem of sin: the gospel of Christ. Our culture would look very different if we allowed Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection solved every conflict.